Things Are Happening

My car has been in the shop the last couple of days. I've had to get someone to bring me to the office which means my car is not outside as usual. I am in the middle of a summer youth program and parents drop off their middle and high school students for the youth enrichment program I teach. Well, I've noticed that parents and their children will sit in their cars because they don't see my car. There is no activity or movement outside the building during this time in the morning. But on the inside, there is much activity. Students that have already arrived are preparing for the day's activities. Interns are working and getting ready to do the work of the day. I am usually finalizing any details for the day. All of this is going on inside the building. But you can't see it from the outside.

I notice one parent will drive up and just sit, assuming because they don't see my car, I'm not there. And assume that because they don't see activity, nothing is going on. And the funny thing is, another parent will drive up and sit because they notice the other parent waiting so they in turn make the same assumption.

This hit me as a life lesson. Often times we don't see things going on, but that doesn't mean things aren't happening. We are spirit beings and the spirit realm invisible so we assume God is not at work because what we need has not manifested. But let me assure you, God is working on your behalf. Don't just sit and stay parked and assume nothing is happening in your life. Don't just use your physical eyes. Get up and open the door and see God at work!

Matter Settled!

So I was preparing a sermon on a totally different topic than this blog post, but in my study, I came across Ruth 3:18.

“Then Naomi said, "Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today." (NIV)

 

A Very Brief Background

Ruth is the daughter-in-law of Naomi. Both Naomi and Ruth’s husbands have died. Ruth decided to stay with her mother-in-law, Naomi. In doing so, a series of events led to Ruth meeting Boaz, a wealthy and well-respected man. Ruth catches the eye of Boaz. He inquires more about her. Naomi advises Ruth as to how to approach Boaz. Ruth does as Naomi instructs. As a matter of tradition Boaz had rights to marry Ruth, but there was someone with greater rights to her than him. Boaz, as the respectable and seasoned man he was, tells Ruth that if the other guy doesn’t claim her, he would definitely do so. Ruth goes back to Naomi and tells her all that happened. Now we get to verse 18.

“Then Naomi said, "Wait, my daughter, until you find out what happens. For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today." (NIV)

This passage is full of wisdom from the elder woman, Naomi sharing her wisdom with the younger woman, Ruth—to Ruth listening and heeding the words of wisdom. But the part that I noticed that I had never zoned into is: “For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today.”

 

The Real

Honey, chile, if he wants you, he will not rest until the matter is settled! That’s one thing any man will tell you. When they are clear that you are the one; when they have removed all doubt about whether you are the one they want, they will not rest until the matter is settled. As women we always say, “He just needs to tell me.” Baby girl, he will. Many women are not clear about if a guy wants them, but if you aren't clear then he hasn't settled the matter. We say that they send mixed messages and sometimes he’s on and sometimes he’s off.  We mistake niceness for more than what it is. We overanalyze every word of every conversation to see if perhaps…maybe…probably…he wants me.  We make tons of excuses as to why he isn’t doing anything to show us that he wants to spend time and be with us. Girl, if he does he will settle the matter. And if he hasn’t then he hasn’t.  Either he’s not ready to settle the matter or just doesn’t want to settle it with you. Bottom line: When he’s sure, he will settle the matter. You have to decide whether you want to wait as Ruth did for the matter to be settled. Ruth had to settle the matter in her heart as well. (side note: be sure he is worth the wait)

Please hear me, if he does want you…if he is sure that you are the one for him…you will know.

 

How will you know?  

 

“For the man will not rest until the matter is settled today.”

 

Don’t believe me?

 

Read Ruth 4:13 “So Boaz took Ruth and she became his wife.”

 

MATTER SETTLED!

Let Him Love You

I had an experience this week that revealed an area of insecurity I thought I had dealt with. And had it happened with anyone else, I would have brushed it off. But it was with the one I love...the one I trust most in life...and I didn't immediately let him into that space. I hurt him because of that. I'm grateful that he loved me enough to walk with me through that momentary insecurity.

It is a reminder that deliverance must be maintained. We must always be vigilant to maintain our freedom from past issues. When we give something to God, He is able to support us through the process but don't be fooled for one moment that Satan won't come back to test that deliverance. When we overcome disabling beliefs, we must be careful not to let laziness of thought, judgments from  society, family, media, etc., or complacency let us slip back into those disabling beliefs. 

And sometimes when we allow those insecurities to rise, we hurt those around us. And my sisters, sometimes we hurt the man in our life when don't trust him enough with that part of us. The man that God has in our lives--not the guy you just hooked up with or the guy that you are just with right now--I mean the one God has placed in your life. The one that has earned the right to be in that space with you. That man is a God-send and can sometimes see you and love you better than you can yourself in these moments of insecurity. He wants to love you and hold you. He wants to affirm you and honor you. LET HIM! God sent him into your life knowing these moments will come. And God equipped him to love you through it. And guess what? He will if you let him.

Peace Stands, Doors Open

In my morning Bible reading, I came across John 20:19.  It says, “Then, the same day at evening, being the first day of the week, when the doors were shut where the disciples were assembled, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood in the midst, and said to them, “Peace be with you.”

 

I’ve read this passage on several occasions, but today it struck me differently.  In the midst of our fear, Jesus will come and STAND!  He knows our fears and sometimes He has to come and stand up in them so we can see who really is greater; our fear or His peace.  He is always greater than our fear.  Because when He stands, He brings peace. I have battled for a long time in my life with fears of failure and success. I’ve learned to fight it and still move forward.  But sometimes fear rears its head and I have to fight it off again.  I’ll have to add this new revelation of this Scripture to my arsenal of weapons against fear.

Another new revelation for me in this passage is about the doors being shut because of fear.  The disciples shut themselves up in the room because they were afraid.  No one forced them in the room and shut the door.  It was all them.  I started to think about how many doors I shut because I was afraid.  “No, I don’t want to take on that project.”  “No thank you on that new opportunity.”  Wow!  Missed chances to grow and more importantly missed chances for God to do an amazing work in my life.  Well, that’s all changed and as I continue to move forward and fear arises, I’ll be reminded that Jesus will come and stand in the midst of my fear and give me peace.  My doors are wide open!

 

I pray the same for you!

Rebuttal to “The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely.”

This is a rebuttal to an article written by Deborrah Cooper.  The article is titled “The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely.”  It can be found at the following link http://survivingdating.com/?p=1229. 

I must preface my response by letting you know that I am Black, single (not married, but in a relationship), and Christian.  In addition I am a minister within a black church that speaks often with women about relationships and faith. 

Cooper’s article is explosive, full of inflammatory language and makes blanket statements that get and keep the reader’s attention.  I applaud Ms. Cooper for her attention-grabbing style of writing.  She does “keep it real”, but in this case, “real” is not always true.

In this response, I will often site analogies between the church and the education system.  My reason for this analogy is in an effort to respond to Ms. Cooper’s idea that women are in church being brainwashed subtly.  I might argue that what she calls brainwashing is no different than teaching.  I consider the church to be, in part, a large teaching organization; teaching Biblical mandates and principles to those that desire to learn more.  If teaching is brainwashing, then I will use the analogy of the school system to speak to some of my arguments.  In healthy churches, there are opportunities for questions to be asked and discussions to be had, including opposing views.  This is similar to discussions and conversations that happen in an educational setting as well.  Given that healthy interaction, rather than the church being a place of brainwashing, it is a place of introspection, reflection, conversation, confrontation, conviction, repentance, and ultimately conversion; conversion of the heart.  In the church it is not the brain that is washed, but the heart. 

Cooper faults the Black church for keeping Black women single.  I would offer that what we see in the Black church is simply a microcosm of what is being experienced in the Black community as a whole.  The same results can be found in Black women that are not in the church.  I have friends that are not regular church attendees and some not at all, and they struggle meeting and having meaningful, lasting relationships with Black men.   Cooper sites research by the PEW Research Center Forum on Religion and Public Life related to church attendance and the church’s view of social issues.  She points to a correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans.  I’ve been in church a long time and I will say that church attendance does not always correlate to a life of faith outside of the church.  Likewise, everyone that goes to school does not get the lesson and apply it to their lives.  We can all sit in the same classroom, but those that choose to apply what they’ve learned will do far better and generally experience a better quality of life than those that don’t.  This concept can be translated to the church. 

Based upon the study, Cooper identifies six conclusions for the single black women.  I list them below and offer perspective on those conclusions.

1.       Following the tenets of organized religion is not going to get you anywhere because men are generally not religious.  This point is based upon the PEW research results that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation.”  This is true.  We can walk into any church and notice that there are more women than men, but we can also walk onto any college campus and find the same disparity.  At issue is not only whether or not Black men attend church, but that they are not involved in life-advancing activities within their community as a whole.

2.        Going to church is not getting you the husband you seek. I agree wholeheartedly with this statement.  Going to church, alone, will not get you a husband.  A single woman may find her husband in the church, but that is not, nor ever has been, nor ever should be the sole purpose of the church or for attending church.  Women do not attend college with the sole purpose of finding a mate.  They go for a variety of reasons, but mostly to improve their opportunities for advancement in respective professions and personal development.  As do most women in the church.  They go to further their spiritual and personal development through a relationship with God and a supportive community of fellow believers.

3.       Going to church is not making you more attractive and interesting to men.  More attractive and interesting than what?  Perhaps Cooper is implying that not going to church makes one more attractive.  But the self-confidence and validation, personal development, and emotional growth experienced through spiritual development at church can make one more attractive and interesting to men than a woman who has not reached that level of personal fulfillment.  Biblical principles teach one to find fulfillment in their relationship with God and through that relationship, they can find fulfilling relationships with others. 

4.       Going to church is not where you are going to find eligible bachelors to date.  This is a blanket statement that while having some truth is not fact.  As in other settings within the Black community, eligible bachelors are not overflowing.  The Black church is a subset of the Black community.  There are not many eligible bachelors in colleges, in corporate companies, etc.  This is not an issue that is unique to the Black church; it is an issue in the Black community as a whole. 

5.       Going to church is not going to teach you to be fiscally responsible, investment savvy, or empower you to achieve greatness as a woman.  This statement is far from true.  Many churches offer financial seminars and workshops that range from basic financial management and budgeting to the ins and outs of investing and entrepreneurship.   Biblically speaking, there are many principles that speak about how money should be used and distributed, both personally and corporately. 

6.       Going to church is not going to broaden your horizons, make you more tolerant and accepting of all God’s children, nor is it going to encourage you to be free of the chains of patriarchy and oppression of your feminine energy.  Again, not a true statement.  When one reads the Bible, we see many people from varying backgrounds.  Our greatest example of our response to these people is Jesus and it was Jesus that approached all in love.  There are some principles that are within the Bible that will not and should not be compromised simply because they are not politically correct in today’s society.  So there are those, and I would assume Ms. Cooper to be one of them, that choose to negate those Biblical teachings to satisfy and pacify the majority of society. 

I think Cooper underestimates the ability of women to take in information and process it.  While the Bible was written within a patriarchal society, I believe that women are smart enough to understand that we were included in the blessings offered by God.  When we look at the early church, which were in the homes of members, we see that many women were leaders within those churches.  Within organized religion, I agree with Cooper in that women are not in many leadership roles, but that is changing and has changed over the last decade or so, especially within more progressive denominations.  

Cooper goes on to essentially berate men that do attend church saying, “no man of strength and purpose is going to go to church and have some other man judge him , tell him that he is wrong and bad, or tell him what to do.”  Later in the article she says, “There are few men that are going to allow themselves to be dictated to by some other chump.”  WHAT?  I believe that most men in church are likely to attend churches where they respect that one that is in the role of pastor and the one responsible for the teaching and preaching that takes place.  I do not know many men that will stay in a church where they do not respect the one preaching.  If so, then that would be his choice to stay in such an environment.  Cooper also states that men do not need any help from anyone.  I assume she expects all men to be Superman.  It is unhealthy for men to shoulder all of life’s challenges and experiences alone without someone that is seasoned and experienced to offer them advice and guidance.  If there were no need for other men to offer such advice and guidance, then why have mentoring programs; why have men’s groups?  When one is trying to better their life, whether spiritually or physically, there must be accountability and many men choose to seek other men to help hold them accountable for the changes they desire to make.  Teaching from the pastor helps to instill and reinforce those desired changes.  Again, this is to be done in an atmosphere of mutual respect. 

Based upon the PEW research, Cooper concludes that the church is judgmental, but then she says, “if a young, handsome, strapping man is in church every Sunday, there is something wrong with him.”  Now who’s being judgmental?   Based upon her nonscientific, anecdotal survey of “dozens of churches around the country”, Cooper puts about 98% of the men into one of four categories. 

1.       A loser working a 12-step program.  There are many churches that do just what God calls it to do; reach out and help the broken and marginalized in society.  Now on one hand Cooper accuses the church of being judgmental and not accepting of all the children of God, but when the church welcomes those that have experienced addictions and other maladies of life, she calls those people losers.  Again, who’s being judgmental now?  It is my belief that as long as one has breath, they have hope to make their life better.  I’m not suggesting that women marry men who have not made the necessary changes for improvement of life after battling addiction.  But those men that have gone through the spiritual, emotional, and physical process to attain and maintain a better life, should be considered as viable mates.  How dare Cooper suggest that these men are unworthy of a relationship?  I will stress that women should be circumspect about prematurely entering into relationships with these men if the men have not done the necessary and hard work to overcome their past and to ensure a positive life. 

2.       Openly or in the closet gay men, neither of which is interested in marrying.  Yes, there are many men in the church that fit within this category, but again, these same men are within the community.  They are in colleges, fraternities, Fortune 500 companies, board rooms, civic leadership, etc.  The church is a subset of the community.  If these men are in the community, then they are in the church.  I agree with Cooper in that these men are not good candidates for women to marry.  I would caution women, whether in or out of the church, about entering in relationships with men that are unsure of their sexuality.

3.       Opportunistic players on the prowl.  A player will be a player whether at church or at work.  These men are not viable candidates for marriage outside the church either.  As for women in the church being lonely, so are women that are not in the church.  Again, the issue is not the church as it is the community.  I do agree that the secrecy of sexual encounters could perpetuate this in the church.  I think the church needs to be more open about discussing sex and sexuality within the church offering single women and men practical advice to address those issues.  It is important to create an environment where sisters are comfortable talking to one another about sexual encounters and desires within the context of their Christian faith.

4.       Elderly reformed players.  Again, these men are in society in general.  It takes some men longer than others to grow up, but that doesn’t mean that once they do their desire and devotion to a woman is in some way distorted.  As with anyone else, women must be careful when entering relationship with these men.  If they feel they are being used as a “free nursemaid and bed warmer” as stated by Cooper, then they should rethink whether that is the relationship they wish to enter for life within the covenant of marriage. 

Cooper goes on to conclude that the Black man that Black women seek “Ain’t up in Church.”  Well, he may or may not be.  He also may or may not be at work or in the club or sports bar.  Overall there is a disparity between available Black men and single Black women.  This disheartening fact unfortunately is also within the church.  She implies that women should go to parties, sports bars or sporting events or clubs where there are men drinking, card playing, domino throwing, shit talking and cussing.  Huh? There are not many women I know, whether in or out of the church, that are looking for this man she describes.   Cooper suggests that the church places the responsibility on the black woman, but the Bible is very clear about the responsibility of the Godly man as well.  Within the Christian faith, responsibility in a relationship is dualistic.  Yes, there are roles within the relationship, but no one role is greater than the other.  There is a difference between submission and passivity.  They are not one in the same.  Husbands and wives are not called to be passive with one another, but to submit to one another.  Submission is done by both husband and wife.  The submission is done out of respect for their respective God-given gifts and their roles within the relationship. 

Cooper’s article was an interesting read and has stirred up conversation about the Black church and single Black women.   If only for that, I’m glad the article was written.  I do believe that Cooper comes across as judgmental of the church and those within it while at the same time accusing the church of being judgmental.  Her inflammatory statements have led many to her blog and have gained her national attention and I can’t knock a sister for selling her name and thoughts.  I do think those thoughts are not grounded in truth.  In the end, what we see in the Black church, as it relates to the availability of single Black men, is much like what we see in the Black community.  We need restoration of relationships between Black women and men both in and out of the church.  My prayer is that this restoration begins in the church. 

Hallelujah Holla Back!