This is a rebuttal to an article written by Deborrah Cooper. The article is titled “The Black Church: How Black Churches Keep African American Women Single and Lonely.” It can be found at the following link http://survivingdating.com/?p=1229.
I must preface my response by letting you know that I am Black, single (not married, but in a relationship), and Christian. In addition I am a minister within a black church that speaks often with women about relationships and faith.
Cooper’s article is explosive, full of inflammatory language and makes blanket statements that get and keep the reader’s attention. I applaud Ms. Cooper for her attention-grabbing style of writing. She does “keep it real”, but in this case, “real” is not always true.
In this response, I will often site analogies between the church and the education system. My reason for this analogy is in an effort to respond to Ms. Cooper’s idea that women are in church being brainwashed subtly. I might argue that what she calls brainwashing is no different than teaching. I consider the church to be, in part, a large teaching organization; teaching Biblical mandates and principles to those that desire to learn more. If teaching is brainwashing, then I will use the analogy of the school system to speak to some of my arguments. In healthy churches, there are opportunities for questions to be asked and discussions to be had, including opposing views. This is similar to discussions and conversations that happen in an educational setting as well. Given that healthy interaction, rather than the church being a place of brainwashing, it is a place of introspection, reflection, conversation, confrontation, conviction, repentance, and ultimately conversion; conversion of the heart. In the church it is not the brain that is washed, but the heart.
Cooper faults the Black church for keeping Black women single. I would offer that what we see in the Black church is simply a microcosm of what is being experienced in the Black community as a whole. The same results can be found in Black women that are not in the church. I have friends that are not regular church attendees and some not at all, and they struggle meeting and having meaningful, lasting relationships with Black men. Cooper sites research by the PEW Research Center Forum on Religion and Public Life related to church attendance and the church’s view of social issues. She points to a correlation between religion and social attitudes amongst African Americans. I’ve been in church a long time and I will say that church attendance does not always correlate to a life of faith outside of the church. Likewise, everyone that goes to school does not get the lesson and apply it to their lives. We can all sit in the same classroom, but those that choose to apply what they’ve learned will do far better and generally experience a better quality of life than those that don’t. This concept can be translated to the church.
Based upon the study, Cooper identifies six conclusions for the single black women. I list them below and offer perspective on those conclusions.
1. Following the tenets of organized religion is not going to get you anywhere because men are generally not religious. This point is based upon the PEW research results that “Men are significantly more likely than women to claim no religious affiliation.” This is true. We can walk into any church and notice that there are more women than men, but we can also walk onto any college campus and find the same disparity. At issue is not only whether or not Black men attend church, but that they are not involved in life-advancing activities within their community as a whole.
2. Going to church is not getting you the husband you seek. I agree wholeheartedly with this statement. Going to church, alone, will not get you a husband. A single woman may find her husband in the church, but that is not, nor ever has been, nor ever should be the sole purpose of the church or for attending church. Women do not attend college with the sole purpose of finding a mate. They go for a variety of reasons, but mostly to improve their opportunities for advancement in respective professions and personal development. As do most women in the church. They go to further their spiritual and personal development through a relationship with God and a supportive community of fellow believers.
3. Going to church is not making you more attractive and interesting to men. More attractive and interesting than what? Perhaps Cooper is implying that not going to church makes one more attractive. But the self-confidence and validation, personal development, and emotional growth experienced through spiritual development at church can make one more attractive and interesting to men than a woman who has not reached that level of personal fulfillment. Biblical principles teach one to find fulfillment in their relationship with God and through that relationship, they can find fulfilling relationships with others.
4. Going to church is not where you are going to find eligible bachelors to date. This is a blanket statement that while having some truth is not fact. As in other settings within the Black community, eligible bachelors are not overflowing. The Black church is a subset of the Black community. There are not many eligible bachelors in colleges, in corporate companies, etc. This is not an issue that is unique to the Black church; it is an issue in the Black community as a whole.
5. Going to church is not going to teach you to be fiscally responsible, investment savvy, or empower you to achieve greatness as a woman. This statement is far from true. Many churches offer financial seminars and workshops that range from basic financial management and budgeting to the ins and outs of investing and entrepreneurship. Biblically speaking, there are many principles that speak about how money should be used and distributed, both personally and corporately.
6. Going to church is not going to broaden your horizons, make you more tolerant and accepting of all God’s children, nor is it going to encourage you to be free of the chains of patriarchy and oppression of your feminine energy. Again, not a true statement. When one reads the Bible, we see many people from varying backgrounds. Our greatest example of our response to these people is Jesus and it was Jesus that approached all in love. There are some principles that are within the Bible that will not and should not be compromised simply because they are not politically correct in today’s society. So there are those, and I would assume Ms. Cooper to be one of them, that choose to negate those Biblical teachings to satisfy and pacify the majority of society.
I think Cooper underestimates the ability of women to take in information and process it. While the Bible was written within a patriarchal society, I believe that women are smart enough to understand that we were included in the blessings offered by God. When we look at the early church, which were in the homes of members, we see that many women were leaders within those churches. Within organized religion, I agree with Cooper in that women are not in many leadership roles, but that is changing and has changed over the last decade or so, especially within more progressive denominations.
Cooper goes on to essentially berate men that do attend church saying, “no man of strength and purpose is going to go to church and have some other man judge him , tell him that he is wrong and bad, or tell him what to do.” Later in the article she says, “There are few men that are going to allow themselves to be dictated to by some other chump.” WHAT? I believe that most men in church are likely to attend churches where they respect that one that is in the role of pastor and the one responsible for the teaching and preaching that takes place. I do not know many men that will stay in a church where they do not respect the one preaching. If so, then that would be his choice to stay in such an environment. Cooper also states that men do not need any help from anyone. I assume she expects all men to be Superman. It is unhealthy for men to shoulder all of life’s challenges and experiences alone without someone that is seasoned and experienced to offer them advice and guidance. If there were no need for other men to offer such advice and guidance, then why have mentoring programs; why have men’s groups? When one is trying to better their life, whether spiritually or physically, there must be accountability and many men choose to seek other men to help hold them accountable for the changes they desire to make. Teaching from the pastor helps to instill and reinforce those desired changes. Again, this is to be done in an atmosphere of mutual respect.
Based upon the PEW research, Cooper concludes that the church is judgmental, but then she says, “if a young, handsome, strapping man is in church every Sunday, there is something wrong with him.” Now who’s being judgmental? Based upon her nonscientific, anecdotal survey of “dozens of churches around the country”, Cooper puts about 98% of the men into one of four categories.
1. A loser working a 12-step program. There are many churches that do just what God calls it to do; reach out and help the broken and marginalized in society. Now on one hand Cooper accuses the church of being judgmental and not accepting of all the children of God, but when the church welcomes those that have experienced addictions and other maladies of life, she calls those people losers. Again, who’s being judgmental now? It is my belief that as long as one has breath, they have hope to make their life better. I’m not suggesting that women marry men who have not made the necessary changes for improvement of life after battling addiction. But those men that have gone through the spiritual, emotional, and physical process to attain and maintain a better life, should be considered as viable mates. How dare Cooper suggest that these men are unworthy of a relationship? I will stress that women should be circumspect about prematurely entering into relationships with these men if the men have not done the necessary and hard work to overcome their past and to ensure a positive life.
2. Openly or in the closet gay men, neither of which is interested in marrying. Yes, there are many men in the church that fit within this category, but again, these same men are within the community. They are in colleges, fraternities, Fortune 500 companies, board rooms, civic leadership, etc. The church is a subset of the community. If these men are in the community, then they are in the church. I agree with Cooper in that these men are not good candidates for women to marry. I would caution women, whether in or out of the church, about entering in relationships with men that are unsure of their sexuality.
3. Opportunistic players on the prowl. A player will be a player whether at church or at work. These men are not viable candidates for marriage outside the church either. As for women in the church being lonely, so are women that are not in the church. Again, the issue is not the church as it is the community. I do agree that the secrecy of sexual encounters could perpetuate this in the church. I think the church needs to be more open about discussing sex and sexuality within the church offering single women and men practical advice to address those issues. It is important to create an environment where sisters are comfortable talking to one another about sexual encounters and desires within the context of their Christian faith.
4. Elderly reformed players. Again, these men are in society in general. It takes some men longer than others to grow up, but that doesn’t mean that once they do their desire and devotion to a woman is in some way distorted. As with anyone else, women must be careful when entering relationship with these men. If they feel they are being used as a “free nursemaid and bed warmer” as stated by Cooper, then they should rethink whether that is the relationship they wish to enter for life within the covenant of marriage.
Cooper goes on to conclude that the Black man that Black women seek “Ain’t up in Church.” Well, he may or may not be. He also may or may not be at work or in the club or sports bar. Overall there is a disparity between available Black men and single Black women. This disheartening fact unfortunately is also within the church. She implies that women should go to parties, sports bars or sporting events or clubs where there are men drinking, card playing, domino throwing, shit talking and cussing. Huh? There are not many women I know, whether in or out of the church, that are looking for this man she describes. Cooper suggests that the church places the responsibility on the black woman, but the Bible is very clear about the responsibility of the Godly man as well. Within the Christian faith, responsibility in a relationship is dualistic. Yes, there are roles within the relationship, but no one role is greater than the other. There is a difference between submission and passivity. They are not one in the same. Husbands and wives are not called to be passive with one another, but to submit to one another. Submission is done by both husband and wife. The submission is done out of respect for their respective God-given gifts and their roles within the relationship.
Cooper’s article was an interesting read and has stirred up conversation about the Black church and single Black women. If only for that, I’m glad the article was written. I do believe that Cooper comes across as judgmental of the church and those within it while at the same time accusing the church of being judgmental. Her inflammatory statements have led many to her blog and have gained her national attention and I can’t knock a sister for selling her name and thoughts. I do think those thoughts are not grounded in truth. In the end, what we see in the Black church, as it relates to the availability of single Black men, is much like what we see in the Black community. We need restoration of relationships between Black women and men both in and out of the church. My prayer is that this restoration begins in the church.
Hallelujah Holla Back!
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